My life today

I have weened myself off of all of my medications.  I no longer go to my cancers scan.  But oh my gosh I feel so much better than I have in a couple of years.  I do not sit around all frantic about my health.  Feels good for now.

Alone

Do you ever feel so alone you could swear everyone and everything that had ever given you comfort was gone?  That is my reality these days.  Today is my mom's birthday so I called, like a good daughter does, and she wanted to know when I was coming home?  I told her I had no idea and she told me I should get one, ( Witty come back), "eh, well".  Then "well happy birthday, I love you.  Blah, blah.  But I just keep hearing "you need to get some help".  I have never felt so alone in my life. I am in solitude.

Barren

Never will I look into your eyes or see your smiling face.
I have dreamed of you all my life, but I will never know you.
You will live forever in my mind, what I wish could’ve been.
I will cry for you, because I was never blessed with the chance to hold you in my arms.
There will always be a hole in my heart, the place you were meant to fill.
I have always loved you, even though we’ve never met.
All the prayers in the world couldn’t make you real, and now I finally give up,
I will forever wonder what you would’ve been like,
What you would’ve looked like,
The joy I would’ve felt to hear you laugh, the pain I would’ve felt when you cried,
What you would’ve been when you grew up.
All the things I’ll never have a chance to know.
I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to give you a life.
I’m sorry that you never even got a chance.
I’m sorry that I failed you.
Please forgive me so that I can forgive myself.

By Amanda

My Cancer Storie

I had been having female problems for the last 4 plus years. I thought I was pregnant at the age of 40 for the first time because I had not had a period for two months. I took a pregnancy test, and two day later started my period. It lasted for 4 weeks. So I finally went to see a gynecologist.

This is the family history that I gave her;
Father’s Side:
Father died, T-Cell Lymphoma / Grandfather died, brain cancer
Mother’s Side:
Grandmother died, ovarian cancer/ Great Aunt died ovarian cancer / Great Aunt died ovarian cancer / Mother’s first cousin survivor ovarian cancer / Great Aunt Breast Cancer Survivor.

She performed a pap and said that one of my ovaries felt funny and sent me in for blood work and an ultrasound on my ovaries. The pap showed nothing unusual. The ultrasound showed that I had a cyst on one of my ovaries, and she said the blood work had nothing abnormal. For the next 3-5 years I continued to go to this doctor with the same complaints, but the periods were getting further apart and lasting 4 to 8 weeks long. On my last visit to this doctor, she told me that I had been abnormal for so long that abnormal was now normal for me at the age of 44.

In July of 2011, I went to see my family doctor for a few minor grips; hair thinning, tired all the time, etc… and I just happened to mention my problem periods to HIM and he looked at me funny and asked if I wanted a second opinion. I SAID YES!

Two weeks later, I had just one office visit with my new hero Dr. Bowersox of the Cleveland Clinic. She has never performed a pap on me. She listened to me. She did bloodwork again and determined that I was postmenopausal and should not be having a period at all at the age or 45. She ordered another ultrasound that looked at my uterus and showed the lining didn’t look quite right. So then she called me in for a biopsy. OHHHH, that hurt. No one prepared me for that one.

Cleveland Clinic have a wonderful thing called ‘My Chart’ where you sign on for test results on blood work, ultrasounds, anything non-upsetting. I kept waiting for my results to post on My Charts, but they never posted. Then Dr. Bowersocks' assistant called me, saying she would like me to come in to discuss the biopsy results and my options. OK, I should have thought, ‘Hmmmm, that sounds kind of ominous’ but no. So I left work and went to the appointment by myself. I was informed that I had endometrial cancer and would have to have a radical hysterectomy. My world paused.

Five days after that, I am sitting at the Cleveland Clinics Oncology Department talking to an oncology gynecologist surgeon with my head spinning, trying to stay in control of what little I still have control over. Which I have to say did not seem like a lot right then.

Surgery was scheduled for Sept 23, 2011.
Two weeks after the surgery, I was told that I was now ‘cancer free’. A board of 15 Oncologist review my test results and all agreed that I was ‘cancer free’.  Those were the best words that Kenny and I had ever heard. I cried all the way home!!!! YAY me, right?

I would have never thought that the recovery would be so terrible. Worst 6 weeks of my life.

After seeing my family history the genealogists at the Cleveland Clinic, she asked if she could do a blood test to see if any of this was genetic and  passed down through generations. And guess what, I was diagnosed with LYNCH SYNDROME. This syndrome means that I have a very high percentage rate of getting: colon, stomach, blatter, melanoma, brain, ovarian and uterine (last two really don’t count anymore, seeing as mine are gone now). It came from my mother’s side of the family and my sisters could also have the syndrome. As of yet none of them have been tested.  This will affect their children and their.  Each family member has a 50/50 chance on my grandmother's side.  It does not skip generations.  I worry about them all.

Life goes on and my body healed.

Now let us move on to 2012.
Toward the end of January 2012 I had a really bad cold and could not breathe, so I went to the doctor for cough syrup or something to help with the cold. My normal doctor was not in so I went and saw  the doctor the doctor on call. After listening to my lungs, she told me that she wanted me to get and lung x-ray because my right lung sounded strange and she thought that I might have pneumonia. They used the x-ray that I had for my pre-op from my hysterectomy for comparison.  The same day she called and order me a CAT scan of that lung because there a suspicious spot in my right lung that showed in the x-ray and the pre-op x-ray taken the year before and referred me to a specialized (lung) doctor. This doctor sent me to have a PET scan  and was shot up with radition laced sugar that causes cancer cells to glow. Which means that if you have cancer, those cells will glow brightly on the scans.

And yes, you guessed it. My lung and the lymph nodes around my heart glow pretty brightly and the doctor orders a biopsy on my right lung. The spot is in such a bad place that they have to do a needle biopsy through the chest wall with me wide awake. It’s a very scary procedure to have while you are awake. They really should knock you out. Surprisingly, very little pain was associated with the procedure. The result from the biopsy was cancer again. So when I was told that I was ‘cancer free’ last year, I had lung cancer that was missed.

Now I am referred to an oncologist and thoracic surgeon. The oncologist sends me for a MRI (is a medical imaging technique used in radiology to visualize internal structures of the body in detail. MRI makes use of the property of nuclear magnetic resonance (NMR) to image nuclei of atoms inside the body), to make sure that the rest of my body is ‘free’ of cancer.
I went to see the oncologist and he ordered a biopsy on the lymph nodes around my heart and sent me to see the surgeon. The biopsy was set for March 21st and if the heart was okay, surgery on March 23rd, and that was exactly 6 months to the day that my hysterectomy was performed.

Thanks God the heart was okay. So Friday the 23rd my mother, my sweetie, two of my sisters, my niece and I load up and off the surgery we go. I woke up in intensive care in so much pain I could not move, and the epidural in my back was not working. I didn’t know any better until the next morning when I was told that I should be having no pain. I was released from the hospital four days later. A week later, I had to go to for my post-op visit and you know what they told me? Ms. Clark you are ‘cancer free’. I just kind of looked at my sweetie like ‘I’ve heard that before’, and it did not hold the same cry worthy emotions that it did the first time. I almost asked how many people were on this oncology team that came to the conclusion that I am now ‘cancer free’.  I dont beleive in Cancer Free anymore

Recovering from this operation was nothing compared to the first surgery. I was back at work in 10 days after I came home from the hospital.

Now physically I’m recovered, but mentally I was a real mess for a long time. I was scared to leave my house except go to work, because I thought that I had enough against me, and to get on the roads and trust other drivers to allow me to get home safely was daunting. I could not concentrate on anything.  With the Lynch Syndrome, I feel like I'm sitting around waiting to die sometimes. I just cannot believe that the cancer not still there somewhere.  I guess I'm still wait for it to show its ugly head again. I was seeing a therapist to help me get through all of this stuff that I am going through, but my insurance went sky high and I can afford it any more

Now I am trying to take back my life. I am still a little obsessed, cancer-head, but it is not all consuming now. I read something on the ‘Fight Like a Girl’ Facebook page that said, ‘I Simply Decided to be Happy Again’, and I try to live by those words but some days I'm still pretty raw for lack of a better term.

Lung Cancer, Endometrial Cancer, and Lynch Syndrome all in six months.

Michelle C.

Happy Birthday to Nelly!

Sometimes I think that you get blamed for things when there is no way you possible it was you or your fault.  For example a FRIEND of mine, we'll call her Nelly. her parent were married an d two months later she was born.  From childhood Nelly always felt like she was loved but just not as much as her sisters by her mother, and still feels that way today.  If Nelly hadn't been conceived then her mother would not have had to marry her father and for as long as she can remember it doesn't seem like her mother cared much for her father either.  Hated him in the end (but thats another story).   But then IT attacked and Nelly's mother rallied around her with love, support and visits for the surgeries.  Things really got better between them and Nelly felt loved and cherished completely by her mother finally. 
Nelly has a temper at times and everyone knows it but not all have seen it.  Well in one day two of four sisters have hurt her feelings and one just pissed her the hell off, Nelly went off on what she calls "You fuck with the bull, you're going to get the horns" fits and upset the balance.  This caused her mother to take offence.  You see Nelly's mother had never stood up for her in her entire life, so a few days later after the "incident" on the infamous paeking garage she sent her mother a message on Facebook.   And within two sentences she told Nelly "You need to get some help," twice.  Nelly should have know that she wouldn't have anything good to say, or be neutral.   Nelly said bad thing to other baby, who cares about the bad things that were said to Nelly.
When Nelly's birthday came around two chicken shit sister sent text messages, one sister called and she missed it and the sister didn't leave a message, Nelly called back and sent her a text message, Nelly never received a return call.  Nelly's mom sent her a card and never called to wish happy birthday so Nelly could thank her for it.
So Nelly's back on the bad daughter list where she has been all but two years of her life.  Nelly didn't cry this time, she was kinda used to it.

It's my birthday

So today I turn 48.  I have to say middle age isn't much different, just alot more aches and pains. I think I will make this just another day, no fuss no muss.  Heres to me,  "So you say it's your birthday,  happy birthday to me" per the Beatles.

LOL had to share

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